It's like I just lost control of it.
The night my heart was given permission to remember.
It was allowed to dream.
It was allowed to break loose out of its chains.
It was allowed to yearn, to believe...
It went crazy.
It wouldn't sleep.
T is for Touch...
"Hug me.
With your words
reaching my innermost
where your arms just can't."
- Saunya
Intimacy is subjective.
You know that warm, fiery rush you get in the deep of your chest when something resonates with you? That familiar feeling that makes your eyes widen and your heart feel like it just grew an inch?
When I finally realized what had the ability to give me this feeling, I wanted more and more of it. I wanted it all the time. I couldn't get enough of it. I needed it.
I needed words.
Soul words. Heart words. Uplifting words. Honest, true and genuine words. Affirming, positive, life giving words. I needed meaningful exchanges and honest interactions.
Hearing the words, “I love you” meant the world to me. And hearing the reasons why sent my spirits spiraling.
And amazingly, for the longest time, I hadn't a clue that this was part of me. It wasn't until I began to take the time to learn my incredibly complex makeup that I understood why this was important to me.
Growing up a timid and quiet child, I found it hard to make connections with my peers. Very little moved me. I had no idea why I didn't have many friends or couldn't connect with others like I wanted. I was longing for meaning and didn't know it at the time. I was afraid to truly open up and expose a part of me that I hadn't even accepted yet. I was afraid to pour out of me what I possibly couldn't get back in return. So I remained quiet and bothered. Not living my truth. Not being who I was created to be. Not allowing myself to touch or be touched. I was numb…for years.
So I lived, battling with my true self, trying to understand why so much and so little affected me. I brushed off a lot and labeled it as me being “too sensitive” or “caring too much” and even as me being “too emotional”, not realizing that I was dismissing what God specifically placed right in the core of me.
How could I dismiss what God purposely placed inside of me? How could I fight with myself, with my being… a battle I could never win?
It wasn't until recently…like last year recently…that I learned that “words of affirmation” was my love language. Sincere, transparent words and expression had the ability to stir up in me what physical touch just couldn't come close.
It took me years to understand the power that words had on me. It's like they had hands. Each word formulated out of the mouth of the speaker somehow had the power to hit me right in the heart.
As a child, my parents would scold me for something I did wrong and I would crumble. A peer would express displeasure in me and I would shrink. I couldn't comprehend how others could brush off slanders and I just couldn't. Each word stuck, sometimes leaving me shattered.
Stick and stones may break my bones but words...COULD hurt me. Just as much, if not more.
How is it that the one thing that lifted me the most could also hurt me the most?
It all began to make sense.
This is why I have found a safe haven in writing. Maybe this is why words have become the ultimate form of my heart's expression. The very thing that had the power to hurt me has become my gift to this world. It has become my link, my connection. It became what God placed in me to touch the hearts of others.
Wow.
Intimacy is subjective. What God carefully placed inside of me to connect with others is different from anyone else. When I realized that my need to express myself and share my feelings didn't make me weak and that I needed to have those close to me do the same, I was finally honest with myself. I accepted that this is just what I need. It’s who I am.
You know what sets your soul on fire. That one thing that leaves you longing for more. That one thing that fuels you. That one thing that feeds that desire in your heart. That wasn't placed in you merely for your pleasure. It was placed inside of you to share; to create a ripple effect. It was divinely planned that the very thing that sets your soul ablaze would be the sure way you would be able to reach others.
Don’t ignore it. Listen to it.
Your heart is quietly yelling at you, begging for attention. If you are like me, I know you can feel that gentle tug in your soul when it's rising up. And you often exhale that deep sigh of exhaustion from constantly suppressing what matters most to you.
Explore it. Ask God to open your eyes and connect the dots.That is your gift. Someone needs what you have. Share it. You could touch the world.
Love.
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One of my first loves...Poetry
soul cries
no one listens
heart repaired
like gold sitting on a mine
not seen
not searched for
trying to maintain its glisten
soul cries
won't you listen
"soul cries"
- Saunya
I write poetry often. I swear I have poems scattered everywhere...in my phone, in my journals, in my desktop, on my tumblr, on my instagram...
Poetry was one of the first creative outlets that I was introduced to early in my childhood. I was an innocent 11 years old when I was introduced to poetry. I instantly fell in love with it. As a shy and quiet child who had trouble expressing herself, poetry became my favorite form of expression. It really saved me. It gave me a way to put what I couldn't quite articulate verbally into written form. I surprisingly still have every poem I have ever written since I was 11 years old in my possession. I treasure each one of them. They each vividly paint pictures of where I was emotionally and mentally in my life. It captures my journey beautifully.
Anyway, I recently have been trying to decide if I wanted to share my poetry here on my blog. Since a lot of my poems reflect my hidden and revealed trues, I had a hard time deciding if I wanted to do this. I decided that this gift that God gave me was meant to be shared so... this will be a new section on my blog! All of my poems that I post will be original pieces of mine. I also will occasionally post poetry from other writers that have inspired me.
I'm so excited to be adding this to my blog! You all will get to see another facet of me and my love for creative expression in written form.
Love.
