A Love Perfect - In One Year

"If I ride the wings of the morning,

if I dwell by the farthest oceans,

even there Your hand will guide me,

and Your strength will support me."

--

Psalm 139: 9-10 

(NLT)

Wow. One year ago today, on my 28th birthday, I wrote my very first post here on A Love Perfect. So much has transpired in my life over the course of this year.

If I could sum up this year in one word, I would use the word "free".

For the first time in...well, ever... I am totally and completely at peace. I can't really explain it. It feels like an unbothered, unworried, settled feeling in the deep of my spirit. I'm happy. Finally.

To be honest, for so long my happiness depended on my surroundings; my outward circumstances. My joy lied in the hands of my peers. I had inconsistent peace. I allowed my life's events to dictate my state of being.

One of my greatest lessons this year is learning that joy is internal. Resting in the peace God gives leaves me without worries. It reminds me of something I shared in an interview last year with

All The Many Layers

, I said:

"There is no freedom like knowing that your joy can not be taken away from you. Once you find that internal joy and take advantage of the peace that only God provides, the joy you thought you had will be amplified. Your soul will ultimately be content. No one thing or person can enter your life and steal it away. That is true security."

Truly grasping that concept changed me for the better. I really began to understand the security I have with God's love. 

So getting older isn't so bad. I'm actually in a place where growing, maturing and evolving excites me. And I can't do that without getting older right? I can't evolve without being pruned and shaken. I can't be whole without being broken. And I can't love deeply without first learning to forgive. All these lessons were learned during the most difficult times in my life. I finally understand the phrase "growing pains". 

I am so amazed at how God is growing and carefully shaping me. This journey I'm on is no where near straight. There are twists and turns, bumps and roadblocks, but I moving forward. In the direction that God is leading me. 

I'm so grateful for A Love Perfect and it's growth over this year. I'm so thankful for the many wonderful souls I've connected with and the many hearts my words have been able to touch. Look at what God is doing! 

I could go on and on, but I want to end with a blurb that I recently wrote in the notes section of my phone:

"I've changed so much in the last few years. So much. Sometimes when I get glimpses of my past, whether it is a picture, writing or memory... I don't recognize that person. However, I am learning to love who that person was. Love the pain that that person went through, love the uncertainty and the flickering light within that person...without her, I wouldn't be full blaze. I appreciate her."

Love. 

Saunya Shelise

Growth Is Scary (Audio Blurb #1)

This year of 2013 is coming to an end and I have been doing a lot of reflecting. As I think about this year I can see more and more of God's purpose for the things I went through. I call it my "year of recovery". To be quite honest, God has worked on me this year more than He ever has. I have grieved losses, experienced trying of my faith, and have really been put in a position to trust God. I have learned SO much about myself and have grown more in love with God and can see how much He has taken care of me and restored a lot of my brokenness. I am amazed at my progress but I must admit that the adjustments are not as easy as I thought they would be.


To be 100% transparent, I find myself so blown away at my growth sometimes that it scares me. It scares me because I have evolved so much this year and can clearly see God putting the pieces in my life together so that I can start walking in the purpose that He designed for me. Knowing that I am getting closer to my purpose is exciting yet scary at the same time. I notice that I question my abilities a lot. Am I capable? That's the question I continuously ask myself. The thing is, I know that God wouldn't take me into any territory without preparing me first. I know that. But that doesn't make it any less frightening for me. It's like I'm being prepared for something and I don't even know what it is yet.

What's most interesting in this growth process is when I start seeing changes in myself that even I find it hard to believe. It's funny when you shock yourself. I am responding to situations differently, speaking up at times when I would normally be quiet and being quiet in situations when I would normally speak up. My discernment has been refined, and my compassion has multiplied. I'm changing. And the person I used to be is fighting the person that I am becoming.

Somewhere in my subconscious, I have not fully given myself permission to grow up. There are thoughts like, "What will people think of me?" And because I occasionally have those thoughts I at times allow fear from allowing me to be 100% great. It's like I have given myself permission to be 75% great, but if I go that full 100%, I fear that I will get a lot of side-eyes from people around me who won't understand.

I hope I'm making some kind of sense here lol, but these are things that I have been thinking about lately. My recent prayer is that God would take my fear away. The fear of the unknown, the fear of what people will think, and any other fear that may be a hindrance to me receiving everything that the Lord has for me. It definitely is a process. But I'm glad to say that I am slowly getting there.

I write often. Not just here on my blog in my own personal time. I find great relief in writing, so I journal about pretty much everything. I write about my thoughts, I frequently write poetry and sometimes when I can't articulate my thoughts into written words or if I am just too lazy to write, I release my thoughts and record them in my phone. Yesterday morning, this same topic was on my mind and I recorded my random, free, scattered thoughts. I decided to share them. Now I must warn you that I did not plan this or edit this in any way lol, these are my raw, random feelings on the topic of growth.

Are you experiencing the same? Have you freed yourself from fear and given yourself permission to grow? Click below to take a listen.

Love.